Ah ma, stay strong!

Ah ma is in critical condition and doctor had been transfusing blood into her hoping it could help fight the overwhelming white blood cells. Alot of us were there just now, and instead of the normal 4 visitors, they allowed 8 of us today. we took turns to go up. Alot of them could not control their tears. I can't believe that a highly skilled monk told my uncle that my grandma had only 1 more week left and my dad agreed too! plus doctor told us to try to satisfy what my grandma wanted. How can you predict how long my grandma is gonna live!??! plus u make my whole family to worried!! I am really agitated about it! I know my grandma is going to be ok! I want my family members not to feel depressed as well!

I know I am not emotionally attached to her. I see her a few times a year only. But I remembered when I was younger, papa would always bring me to her place and played masak masak with all my cousins. Ah gong who sat on the wheelchair would watch us play. I liked the old house. everyone was so happy that time. everything was simple. everyone had fun. it was squeezy and noisy during CNY chu2 every year, and all the kids would be in the room playing and the adults would be in the living room or kitchen.

After ah gong passed away, we all moved to a new estate. the house was more spacious, our family members grew, every year there will be a new baby or a new spouse. it was still so cosy and lovely. ah ma and all my aunties will be busy in the kitchen cooking and preparing food for us. Eventually uncle then called buffet instead of tiring my grandma. He never failed to bring the whole family together for any celebrations or praying sessions.

I enjoyed my paternal side very much, but yet my mum would always stop me from mixing with them. I know I seldom talk about my family. But bcos my dad & mum hadn't been in good terms for 10 years so we respected mum and kept a distance from our paternal side. I wanted to cry when I saw my grandma. but I knw I have to be strong and control. I don't want people to think I'm exaggerating or my family was down to put up a show. I wanna be close knitted with my family, I wanted time to turn, be back when we were 7 years old or younger before ah gong passed away.

Today when I saw aunty nancy's text telling me ah ma is in critical condition, i still had a cheek to reply saying i will go down on monday after school. i hate myself for not completing my 50% essay earlier! i wanted to spend more time there. really. I'm really close to aunty nancy, and looking at how puffy her eyes were just now really made me wanna go over and give her a comfort hug. she was the closest child to ah ma and she is always so nice towards everyone and she urged me to go home to do my work just now. (i don't know if you are reading this. if yes, pls drop a txt msg to ask her to take care)

I don't care if this entry is too wordy or wad. I just feel this yr is really a bad year! Why do I have to go through all these? I can't believe that my dad & mum & bro can quarrel over visiting my ah ma. I just fuck off and said "its my ah ma, I can visit her when I want to. I don't need anyone to tell me when I should do it. "

I AM SOOOOOOOOOO VEXED! AND I HAVE TO FINISH MY 50% ESSAY! ARGHHH!!!! I'll be visiting her after school again tmr. I hope by then the blood report will be out and everything will be ok!